God is good ALL the time!

And ALL THE TIME God is good! I have been changed. I have been changed by the love and grace of God and you know what? IT FEELS GREAT!! God is SO good! God's grace is SO big. There is NOTHING under Heaven or in Heaven that can separate me from the love of God.
For so long I've been listening to the voices around me tell me I'm not good enough. For so long I've played the victim. For so long I've listened and trusted every voice but God's.
When I get right down to it, it does not make sense that I continue in my old habits, my old life, my old sins. Sin has been living in me.
I AM GOD'S CHILD! HE LOVES ME AND THE POWERS OF DARKNESS WILL NEVER SEPARATE ME FROM THE GRACE OF GOD!!!
Today I saw what the joy of God is. It is His love, and it is His son. It is His grace. It is His power.
Some things only God has the power to change, and I'm here to tell you, once you let Him have that power over you, you will never feel so free again.
Tonight a brother told me to start loving myself. I've been thinking about that extensively. I am going to love myself. But it is because of God that I am able to do so. Without God's love, there is no cause or reason for love, because God IS love.
Tonight I have let down my barriers. I've come to terms with my sins. I've made a lot of mistakes. I've got a long way to go in my Christian journey. But you know what? Despite my sins, God still loves me. God's grace is SO good; He can love me. He does love me, when all of the voices told me I wasn't good enough. I didn't deserve it. I was unlovable. But God is for me. Who dares to stand against me? That is not arrogance. That is the confidence and the joy I've found in my Lord, my savior, my brother, and my friend. Jesus Christ. <3

Weakness

I don't know how long its been since I've been able to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and see someone I'm proud of. It seems like I fail every day. I don't even know how it started. Years of running and trying to break free of this plagued mind, and there is not an ounce of relief yet. I wish I knew how to stop. I wish I knew how to get loose from the vice grip this curse has on me. I pray for self-control, but I am just as weak now as ever. Is there anything more troublesome than your own lack of restraint when you know something is wrong? How do I make this stop?! God, I need help.

Oh I remember you!

So, as fate would have it, I haven't been on the internet in quite sometime. For future reference, all companies that provide an essential service are incredibly underhanded. That's all I have to say about that.
Well, Cherish and I got all moved in to our apartment. So far, things are going pretty well... On the surface at least. I'm not sure how Cherish is holding up. I'm finding apartment life difficult to adapt to. Probably because I've lived with my parents for the past twenty years. Oh yeah, did I mention I'm twenty now? Yep. Two whole decades. And not an ounce of wisdom to show for it.
I'm not going to lie. This whole moving out has proved the most stressful test of what little faith I had to begin with. I wish I could pour out my heart to this blog like so many people seem to be able to do, but I have no idea how to sift through my ideas so that I can make them unspecific and sharable. So here goes nothing...

I moved to this lovely apartment complex and for the first two weeks, life was just peachy.
Then things started to fall apart...
 At work: Six people quit in the space of three weeks. This created chaos and mountains of stress for me.
At school: It's school. Nuff said. But its getting into the swing of the semester and the workload is piling up.
I have to be honest with you, I think I'm more alone than I've ever been in my life. I moved with expectations of plugging right into the community here, but I was NOT prepared for what would result. Not only did my friendships start to bend from the pressure of distance, they have all but disintegrated. As if this wasn't enough, I feel like God is trying to get me to completely restart my life. Why do I feel like this? I'm in a brand new environment, at a brand new school, and am now forced to make brand new friends because the ones I have/had are/were poisoning my, albeit weak, relationship with God. I feel like the path I'm on is broken with no direction. At times like this, I think about stories I've heard where people simply get by based on the promises of reward God has given us. Why can't I think of any though?
I feel myself withdrawing from the world. I'm not so sure this is a bad thing anymore. I used to be the most outgoing person you'd meet. Today I learned that the more you listen, the more you learn. And how true! Having a quiet soul gives you such a more complete perspective! My goal this week is to do twice as much listening as talking. I feel like God shows us a little bit of who He is when we watch each other interact with love.
I'm trying to stay hopeful. It's not easy. Every day seems to bring a new, freshly baked, batch of turmoil. I feel myself slipping.
Will someone catch me?

The Journey of a Thousand Miles

Tomorrow is the big day! I move into my new apartment with Cherish tomorrow! I'm so excited. I can't wait to start a new adventure out on my own. This is going to be fun! And yes. To all of you who are wondering, all my sentences must end in an excaimation point!
I am a little sad about leaving my family, but I'm not too far from them so I can visit often. I am definitely ready to start to move on with certain aspects of my life. Things have been stressful lately, this whole moving out thing did not help on that front at all. However, I am hoping that certain things will close themselves with time and distance.
At times like these, I like to think about Deuteronomy 31:6
"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you."
It's hard to remain hesitant about anything when reminded of this verse. My mom always quotes Romans with "if God is for us, who can be against us." Thanks to my upbringing, I feel confident that this next year is going to be a very differnt experience.

Tomorrow Will Worry About Itself...

You know those days that make you cry out to God because you just feel so helpless you don't know what else to do? I had one of those yesterday. I was frustrated. I was angry. But how many of us forget that God is not someone to turn away from us when we need Him? When was the last time you talked to God before you talked to your best friend about something that happened to you? I find it that more people blame God for things that have the Devil's stamp all over it. I've been struggling with that lately. So many things  have been getting in the way of my relationship with God, and then I take a step back and realize, its only me in the way...

Lately something has been pressing on my mind and I think it has a large part to do with the fact of where I am in my life right now. I know everyone complains about money problems. I've been one of those people, but why is it that I feel differently about this concept than everyone else.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Matt. 6:34

I don't know about the rest of you, but I've always interpreted this verse in several ways.
1. There's the literal meaning, do not worry.
2. You have no control over tomorrow so there's no point in worrying about it.
The third way I've always thought about this takes the verse one step further. I've always associated this verse with financial meaning, although, in context, I don't believe it's talking about money.  But doesn't it make sense? I understand the point of saving money and having a fallback, but
3. Money will always be around. You can always make more. So why be in such a rush to have it all at once?
Lately, my family has been really hounding me about my financial means. I'm like most everyone else. I come from a middle class family and I've never been ashamed of that. I'm about to move out, I just got a new car, and I'm in college. Stereotypically I should be the most broke person you've ever met. I guess its just really getting to me that my mom thinks I have no clue how to run my own finances. It's not like I saved every penny I had to go to Germany for a month or something. It's not like I saved from the second I got back from Germany so that I could buy a reliable car or anything. I guess I just don't understand how she can still think so negatively when I've proven several times over that I can do this.

Night Owl

For some reason, I stayed up until two last night. I don't know what possessed me to do so. Actually, I was helping out a friend so I kind of don't regret it. =] Last night I did receive my new car. Well... new to me anyway. It is perfect! I'm really excited to start cleaning on it.
Also, only twelve more days until I move in to a new apartment for the first time. I've been doing LOTS of praying about this event because this closes the chapter of one part of my life and opens a brand new page that I have little to no experience in. Needless to say... I'm nervous.
When I was younger, my mom would tell me that the best way to get rid of your fears is to sing. She would tell me to sing hymns I knew or just any happy song might do. I think I've been getting on the general public's nerves with all the singing I've been doing lately. However, my mom and I have always been able to connect in that unique way. I used to be a music major and though my major has changed, my passion has not. I love music of all kinds... except rap. That's not music. I'm just putting my foot down.
Anyway, this will be a shorter post because I'm going to go see if I can enroll... Wish me luck.