But be transformed by the renewing of your minds...

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

God is good ALL the time!

And ALL THE TIME God is good! I have been changed. I have been changed by the love and grace of God and you know what? IT FEELS GREAT!! God is SO good! God's grace is SO big. There is NOTHING under Heaven or in Heaven that can separate me from the love of God.
For so long I've been listening to the voices around me tell me I'm not good enough. For so long I've played the victim. For so long I've listened and trusted every voice but God's.
When I get right down to it, it does not make sense that I continue in my old habits, my old life, my old sins. Sin has been living in me.
I AM GOD'S CHILD! HE LOVES ME AND THE POWERS OF DARKNESS WILL NEVER SEPARATE ME FROM THE GRACE OF GOD!!!
Today I saw what the joy of God is. It is His love, and it is His son. It is His grace. It is His power.
Some things only God has the power to change, and I'm here to tell you, once you let Him have that power over you, you will never feel so free again.
Tonight a brother told me to start loving myself. I've been thinking about that extensively. I am going to love myself. But it is because of God that I am able to do so. Without God's love, there is no cause or reason for love, because God IS love.
Tonight I have let down my barriers. I've come to terms with my sins. I've made a lot of mistakes. I've got a long way to go in my Christian journey. But you know what? Despite my sins, God still loves me. God's grace is SO good; He can love me. He does love me, when all of the voices told me I wasn't good enough. I didn't deserve it. I was unlovable. But God is for me. Who dares to stand against me? That is not arrogance. That is the confidence and the joy I've found in my Lord, my savior, my brother, and my friend. Jesus Christ. <3

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Weakness

I don't know how long its been since I've been able to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and see someone I'm proud of. It seems like I fail every day. I don't even know how it started. Years of running and trying to break free of this plagued mind, and there is not an ounce of relief yet. I wish I knew how to stop. I wish I knew how to get loose from the vice grip this curse has on me. I pray for self-control, but I am just as weak now as ever. Is there anything more troublesome than your own lack of restraint when you know something is wrong? How do I make this stop?! God, I need help.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Oh I remember you!

So, as fate would have it, I haven't been on the internet in quite sometime. For future reference, all companies that provide an essential service are incredibly underhanded. That's all I have to say about that.
Well, Cherish and I got all moved in to our apartment. So far, things are going pretty well... On the surface at least. I'm not sure how Cherish is holding up. I'm finding apartment life difficult to adapt to. Probably because I've lived with my parents for the past twenty years. Oh yeah, did I mention I'm twenty now? Yep. Two whole decades. And not an ounce of wisdom to show for it.
I'm not going to lie. This whole moving out has proved the most stressful test of what little faith I had to begin with. I wish I could pour out my heart to this blog like so many people seem to be able to do, but I have no idea how to sift through my ideas so that I can make them unspecific and sharable. So here goes nothing...

I moved to this lovely apartment complex and for the first two weeks, life was just peachy.
Then things started to fall apart...
 At work: Six people quit in the space of three weeks. This created chaos and mountains of stress for me.
At school: It's school. Nuff said. But its getting into the swing of the semester and the workload is piling up.
I have to be honest with you, I think I'm more alone than I've ever been in my life. I moved with expectations of plugging right into the community here, but I was NOT prepared for what would result. Not only did my friendships start to bend from the pressure of distance, they have all but disintegrated. As if this wasn't enough, I feel like God is trying to get me to completely restart my life. Why do I feel like this? I'm in a brand new environment, at a brand new school, and am now forced to make brand new friends because the ones I have/had are/were poisoning my, albeit weak, relationship with God. I feel like the path I'm on is broken with no direction. At times like this, I think about stories I've heard where people simply get by based on the promises of reward God has given us. Why can't I think of any though?
I feel myself withdrawing from the world. I'm not so sure this is a bad thing anymore. I used to be the most outgoing person you'd meet. Today I learned that the more you listen, the more you learn. And how true! Having a quiet soul gives you such a more complete perspective! My goal this week is to do twice as much listening as talking. I feel like God shows us a little bit of who He is when we watch each other interact with love.
I'm trying to stay hopeful. It's not easy. Every day seems to bring a new, freshly baked, batch of turmoil. I feel myself slipping.
Will someone catch me?